Now, if you know me, you know that I have a bad habit of chasing after futile things. Well, behold my newest challenge: The Windows 7 Whopper. 800 ounces of pure, greasy, fast food cholesterol death. Obviously there was no way I was going to complete this task, but I set out for Ikebukuro no less determined to take my shot at fame.
I guess Japan figured that, since it commemorates Windows 7 and has 7 meat patties, they might as well make it available for only 7 days, thus the urgency that I go today to try it (I only learned of its existence yesterday).
The Windows 7 Whopper does not look particularly large or imposing in this picture, but that paper wrap is powered by horizontal stripe technology - it is deceptively slimming.
Once unwrapped, you can see it in all of its disgusting glory. My first thought was that the one napkin and two ketchup packets that I had been kindly supplied with by the Chinese girl at the counter, who tried and failed to speak English to me, were not nearly adequate if I was to actually complete this endeavor. As such, I actually sat and stared at at this monstrosity for about two whole minutes, trying to determine my angle of attack. I don't know how well the picture conveys the fact that this hamburger was the size of MY WHOLE FACE. Where do you even begin? You pick it up, and there is literally a wall of burger staring back at you, immovable and unmoving, save for the slow trickle of special sauce that runs through your fingers.
Obviously, you begin with the first bite.
Apologies for the finger in the upper left, but it was a bit difficult to wield a camera while also attempting to balance this behemoth in one hand. Not to mention, you know, the grease that was everywhere. Initially, I tried to eat the bottom half first, but once I'd gotten about half-way through, the uneaten top half started hitting my forehead, so I had to flip it over and even things out.
Progress is being made.
One thing that struck me - aside from the burger itself, when I wasn't paying close enough attention - was that the top half tasted a lot better than the bottom half, mostly because of the fact that the top half had, well, lettuce, and tomatoes, and ketchup. The bottom was pure meat, and on its own, fast food 'meat' is about as flavorful as cardboard. Cardboard coated in grease. Which brings us back to my dilemma of having only two ketchup packets. I was pretty sure that this thing, and myself now, were so disgusting and messy looking, that I didn't want to ask any of the store attendants for additional napkins or ketchup packets. Burger King exclusively hires cute girls for this express purpose - it prevents people from taking extra ketchup packets and stealing them for home use at a later date. You know that you look like a disgusting slobbering monster, so you're too embarrassed to ask for help.
After completing the first half, I was still good to keep going, though I was definitely slowing down. About 2/3 of the way through though, I had a crisis of faith, and removed the burger from its paper wrapping to get a good idea of just how much was left, and it was there that my resolve failed. You see, the grease had been pooling inside of the paper wrapper, which in turn made the bun and patties on that side look as though the digestive process had already been begun. If you cannot imagine what soggy, orange bread that is beginning to dissolve and fall off in strands of ropey wheat-product looks like, let me just say that it is not particularly appetizing. Additionally, lukewarm McDonalds (or in this case, Burger King) is just about the most foul substance known to man, and as I had been working on this thing for quite a while now, it had begun to cool. I managed another bite or two before finally dropping the ruined carcass to the tray, nearing defeat. When I tried poking one of the patties with a fork, to at least finish those off and leave just the bun, and the fork was unable to pierce the leathery hide of the burger, my defeat was total.
The taste of failure.
The rest of the Whopper 7 was given as an offering to the Sewage God. At the time, I actually was not overly full, and could have eaten more, but the half-digested remains of what had once been a mighty wall of beef had destroyed my resolve. I also just really wanted to have a picture of unfinished burger along with the caption 'The taste of failure' as that struck me as better than just a grease-stained napkin and the caption 'Savoring the taste of victory.' I mean, I'm pretty sure you can't eat fast food and ever feel like a winner.
Unless you're taken to Beef Heaven by the Mega Mac that is!
I actually got home and had to make dinner about two hours later because I got hungry again. Epic fail.
The Windows 7 Whopper cost me 1450 yen, or a bit more than $15, so if you enjoyed this article, please leave a comment and let me know that you want to read more about my adventures in Japan!
Hopefully I'll have a tale of success for you all in a few weeks! I also have some photos of the Imperial Palace that I'll try to upload during the intervening period. Stay tuned!
